Lifely Update: On Writing and Feeling Blue

Lifely Update

Today is a “I’ve got some exciting news” and “I’m gonna bare my heart out to you in a sec so bear with me” kind of day.

First, the good news! Last Wednesday I finished the 14th draft of Dreamweaver, the Young Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy that I started writing almost a year ago.

Bring on the dancing lobsters right!?!

And you know, at first I WAS super excited. Excited to the level of I’m going to leap off a cliff and dive into a chocolate marshmallow pillow (they make those right?) and then fall into a state of constant euphoria and celebrate this STEP in the writing process the way I’m supposed to. Like, LOGICALLY, I knew that was the rational thing to do (okay, minus the constant state of euphoria, but I could still have that chocolate marshmallow).

The point is that while I KNEW that I was supposed to be excited and all kinds of bubbly inside, and don’t get me wrong a part of me was, the problem was that an even bigger and scarier part of me was whispering inside of my ear saying really unhelpful and destructive things like “Yeah, but um…news flash, genius, you’re not really done yet. You’ve got WAY WAY more work to do so you can stop celebrating because there’s nothing to celebrate.”

By the way, that’s my inner consciousness speaking, in case you haven’t noticed my own inner voice is a douche and a total jerk like 80% to 90% of the time. What’s nice is that my inner voice doesn’t rear it’s head to other people and say awful irreparable things to them. Which, I’m thankful for. My inner voice happens to think rather highly of everyone around me. What’s not so nice is that my inner voice reserves all of it’s assholery for me. Oh, how sweet, that must mean it really likes me. *Cues barfing*

Anyway, I’ve digressed from my main point so now I’m getting to the “bare my heart out” part of this post. If you’d like to back away now slowly, that’s fine. I actually completely understand. Things are about to get pretty real here and I don’t mind if you want to step away.

Okay. So here it is. After achieving this big milestone, becuase it’s been almost a year since I started and finished the first draft of Dreamweaver (I wrote the 1st draft in a month). I have since edited the hell out of it FOURTEEN TIMES. That means a lot of growth for the characters, the plot line and just a lot of amazing stuff has happened to make this book better in general. So I’m sure a very rational person would be ecstatic right now. And I was, until the high wore off, which lasted for all of five seconds, because I got really down guys. Like REALLY REALLY down.

It’s been a little over a week now and I’m not going to sugar coat anything, I’m still really bummed out. I’m not nearly as sad and discouraged as I was a week ago, but the feels still hit me at random and bouts of crying ensue and I become a useless sobbing wreck for about an hour before I can mop myself back up and go back to adulting the way I’m supposed to.

You know, no one told me that writing was THIS hard. That it would be this emotionally draining and that there would be times where I’d question everything, every word I’ve ever written, my whole purpose in life, my very reason for even waking up in the morning, all because I felt that I had missed some phantom goal, all because I felt that I wasn’t good enough, all because I felt that I’d never make it, that I was chasing some pipe dream because everything I create is crap.

And while I can logically tell myself that all of that is a load of penguin dookie, that doesn’t mean those terrible things aren’t cycling in the back of my head. When I wrote about limiting beliefs last week, I didn’t realize that I was going to need my own advice so soon. At the time I wrote that post, I was riding a creative high and somehow I’ve hit a low. And it hurts guys. It really does.

And I know writing is a journey that’s full of highs and lows. So, I know that this feeling of overwhelming failure is not real, because I haven’t failed at anything yet. Not really. So it’s just a phase. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I’m not saying I’m going on a break or a hiatus or anything. I’m just coming out and laying out what my life has been like for the past week in the hopes that opening up will help me over this block and allow me some inner peace so that I can get back on track.

Because I don’t want to feel sad anymore. One week of this feeling is too much to bear. It’s overwhelming, it’s suffocating and after years of battling with depression and overcoming it, I know that I don’t ever want to walk down that road again if I can help it. I think that just being able to talk about what I’m feeling and be open about this roadblock will be one of those things I can look back on and just remember that this was one step in the journey of my life and there were people there to help me through it.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I don’t expect to be in this place for long and even if I am, I know there are people who care about me to help me through this rough patch. I know that rationally, doubting myself is normal and I just have to push through it. So that’s what I’m going to try to do.

Thanks for sticking with me.

❤ Nicolette

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30 thoughts on “Lifely Update: On Writing and Feeling Blue

    1. I found you through Melanie’s blog in the comment section! I usually troll around looking for people who seem awesome and I was soooo happy I found you too! ^.^

      Thank you for the blog love! I try so hard (harder than I probably should, and really I need to take that pressure off myself I think), so really your comment means so so so much to me. More than you probably know!

      Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone. It means a lot to not feel alone, that I’m not some weirdo who feels these things by themselves.

      I have come far and I get discouraged by the long road ahead. Logically, I know each step carries me down that road. So I know all these things and I need to just work through these things and keep pushing through them.

  1. Wow, you described exactly how I’ve been feeling lately! I recently finished a first draft I’d been working on for almost three years––and I was happy for about one day, and then it was straight into despair. 😛 Since then I’ve just been completely overwhelmed with all the edits I have to do. And I totally get what you mean: logically, I tell myself that I can do the work, but there’s still that annoying voice in my head insisting that it will suck no matter what I do. I think being a writer means you just have to push past those doubts. It’s a lot harder than it sounds, though!

    Maybe you need distance from your manuscript for a couple weeks? Sometimes if you’ve been really involved with a story for a long time, it can get overwhelming and it’s hard to think about it rationally.

    Anyway, writing a book and editing it fourteen times in one year is quite an accomplishment! I wish I was nearly that productive, haha. 😀 Good luck, you can do it!!

    1. It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone and yet at the same time I’m so sad to know that here we are feeling this way. I think you’re absolutely right, that as writers we HAVE TO push through these doubts and all these terrible thought running through our heads, and yes it’s hard. I think the good thing is that we both acknowledge that these things are destructive, so we know the “root”. Not that it helps too much, but I think its better than not knowing why or being in denial. lol.

      I have inadvertently taken a break from the MS, just with all the feelings, I couldn’t even look at it. There were times I’d read it and feel victorious and think “this is amazing, I love this book” and then I’d come back an hour later to read it and be like “oh god, it’s terrible, just disgustingly awful. salt it and kill it with fire!”.

      So I’ve left it alone just because of my own craziness and by default.

      Thank you for being here. Really, it just means so much. The support is so very appreciated and up lifting.

      1. You’re absolutely right! I think it’s a good thing to acknowledge these fears and doubts; as frustrating as they can be, in the long-run I think they help us to grow and improve as writers as we learn to overcome them.

        Ugh yes, I totally get that. Some days I feel like my book is good and everything will work out, and other days it feels impossible. 😛

        You’re totally welcome! Always happy to support my fellow writers!

      2. With all the struggles we go through we’ll be superstars then right!?!? Lol >.<
        Thanks again for all the love and support! It just means so much and has been so encouraging! ^.^

  2. I genuinely empathize with the rocky emotional ride you’re going through as a writer. If I could send a hug through this computer screen right now, I would, but it would probably really freak you out so I won’t try. Instead, I want to say, THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR TRUTH, THIS ESPECIALLY:

    “You know, no one told me that writing was THIS hard. That it would be this emotionally draining and that there would be times where I’d question everything, every word I’ve ever written, my whole purpose in life, my very reason for even waking up in the morning, all because I felt that I had missed some phantom goal, all because I felt that I wasn’t good enough, all because I felt that I’d never make it, that I was chasing some pipe dream because everything I create is crap.”

    1. Eve! I’d totally accept that hug! Thank you so much! (Though you’re right, arms coming through the screen would be a bit of a shocker at first! >.<) I was scared to talk about my struggles and I considered not talking about it at all, but it's been such a comfort to know that I'm not alone in these feelings and that other writers know exactly what I've been going through and that they've made it out or that they go through this and keep overcoming it because that's just what it means to be a writer. Thank you for your warmth and support! It really means so so much! *hugs*

  3. I’ve been that way before and it sucks. But what got me through it is my friends in real life and online! So if you ever want to talk about your life or your story with me, I’m all ears! 🙂

    1. Jesse, thank you so much! I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of support people have showered me with (including you) and I’m just so humbled. I really didn’t realize people would care or understand what I was going through, I sort of felt like I was going crazy or something. I will be taking you up on your offer, expect an email from me here soon, lol. I think you have it on your about page, lol! I really really appreciate your support, like, seriously, you don’t even know. Thank you. ❤

      1. Sorry for the super late reply. I’ve had a hectic week. But I look forward to hearing from you soon! Just shoot me a quick tweet to check my email 😉

      2. Lol, no worries! I hope things are calming down on your end and all is well! I will def send you a tweet when all is ready! I’m sooo excited to share this story with you I’m seriously of half a mind to send the version I have now even though I know there’s still typos in it.

  4. Trust me, you are not alone in this. But, if it helps, after the first book, the feeling is less intense. Because once you hit done on the second book you’re like, crap, now onto the third. And that’s a whole different set of anxiety and depressive feelings. You know where I am if you wanna talk.

    I mean, I know we haven’t been best bestest besties for long… but really, don’t suffer alone. I’ll help when I can, or just let you vent when I cant! HUGS AND LOVES, CUZ.

    1. Thank you June!! And we’ve been bestest bestie for life, we just didn’t know it yet. Lol! That’s what it means to be soul sisters! ^.^

      I appreciate that advice/insight. I know the road is long and that I have such a long way to go and I think a part of me just wanted to give up while the other was fighting tooth and nail not to. (I wont give up, I just felt/feel drained.) Thank you for all the love and support! I know you’re here and honestly, I didn’t want to bring you down, I know you’re busy and have a lot on your plate with the June campaign. But also, I just didn’t know how to express all of my feels until now. I love you!!

  5. You managed to write 14 drafts in A YEAR!? o_O I am beyond impressed, I can’t even right now. You go girl! I can’t even finish one hahaha
    I know that you know that this is just a phase, but I want you to know that I completely understand it! I am nowhere near your writing-level, but even I have experienced some of the lows you were talking about. I just want to assure you right now that you did something amazing! I am in complete awe of you and I can’t wait to read your story one day! ❤

    1. Lol! 14 drafts and I’m a bit nutso now. HAHA!

      You see what happened is I finished the 1st draft in a month (sorta just blazed through it, inadvertently nanowrimo style) and redrafted at rapid fire and then queried to two agents in May. But I quickly had like “buyers remorse” and felt that the 4th draft that I had sent out to the agents wasn’t really ready and started redrafting immediately before I had even received the agents rejections. I’ve been redrafting ever since and driving myself practically insane with bouts of doubt ever since. So that’s my crazyiness in a nutshell for you, probably not the most healthiest way to write…

      Thank you for understanding. It honestly means so much. These low points are really tough and this time has really almost felt like I wouldn’t come through it. Like I’d really just be done and not be able to recover. But all the support from you and from all my online friends has just been so amazing, I feel like, I can’t give up, lol. You know, it’s like, if I give up I’ll be disappointing not just me but all of you too. Thank you for rooting for me. I know you’ve said it before that you’ll always root for me, so I just can’t thank you enough for being here to cheer me on. I hope I’ll be able to return the love as you continue writing too! ❤

      1. I still admire you for editing so much, even though it seems like an excessive amount hahaha There will always be something one could change, I made peace with that. I still can’t finish the editing process though, it’s such a tedious process and I don’t know what the right procedure is and I feel like it is going nowhere. Some parts I don’t want to change, others I do and I have no idea how or what exactly is wrong with it. A support network is important though and I am so glad that you feel that we are there for you – because we are! Writing is crazy! We need to share that burden and blessing with someone!

  6. Oh Nic!

    First of all, *virtual huuug* Because I’m not good at comforting words. With that being admitted, do know that I may not give the best advice or comfort but I can listen. 🙂

    There are really just some points in our life when we wake up and start to question what on earth we’re living for and it’s so frustrating to live by faking we have control over what we do. It’s alright to feel conquered and be humans once in a while. I’m crossing all the fingers and toes in body for you to get past through this.

    And btw, I don’t know what 14th draft means because I have no idea how many it takes to finish a book but I am so so excited for this. Plus, this is my genre! Yay! I’m looking forward to reading Dreamweaver 🙂

    1. Thank you Trisha!!! *accepts virtual hug and hugs back sooo fiercly it’s proabably a bit scary, I’m a fierce hugger*

      I can’t thank you enough for your support. And for your ears to listen. And your advice is comforting. It’s just want I need. Because sometimes I feel like I should just show everyone that I’m okay, that’s everything is fine, but it’s not real and I don’t feel genuine when I’m not able to share exactly how I’m feeling inside. I’m a very emotional sensitive creature, lol, I feel all the FEELS, lol. That includes all the excitement too, lol. Hence why I can fangirl so hard for a book, >.<
      Lol, 14 draft means I'm crazy. Like I said to Kat IDK if it's above^^ or below in the comments I finished the first draft really quickly and redrafted just as fast, queried and before I had even heard back from the agents I felt I had made a mistake in querying so I immediately started redrafting and here I am on draft 14. I don't know how many drafts it takes to finish a book either. All I know is that I still have a few rounds to go before I think I'll really be done and ready to query again. I'm freaked the F out that I'm going to screw up my shot so I'm really determined to get it right and I want to take my time with working with both CPs and then betas to polish it up right so that when I query I don't feel insecure about sending it out like I did the first time. I want to feel like I'm sending out a rockstar when I send it out. It may not be a rockstar, but I want to FEEL confident about it. That's what I think matters.

      Oh, and THANK YOU for being excited for this!!! I look forward to you reading it too!! You're a tough critic (in the best possible way!!!) So if you like it then I know I did something right! ^.^

      I love you girl! Thank you for being here for me and listening! ❤

  7. sheesh,I can totally relate…and I’m just a blogger. I basically have a very isolated life since my Lori passed away in 2013. I write a personal blog but trying to find things to write about is very hard when one doesn’t do much. I want to write but find myself just sitting here and no words coming.
    I think it is very cool you have completed a novel and you should be very proud of yourself. It’s natural to edit yourself to perfection,you’re doing what any real writer with talent does. In fact,the way you are carefully going through your book makes its appealing and one I would like to read….

    1. It means a lot to me that I’m not alone. Thank you for understanding and reaching back out to me. It was very scary for me to come out and be so transparent when I felt like no one was going to understand or care. As it turns out, you along with so many more people both care and understand and it’s very humbling to know that I’m not alone as a writer feeling this way.
      I know what your feeling in regards to personal blogging. For years before I turned my blog towards a writing/book blog I didn’t write on my blog much because I didn’t feel like I had much to say because I didn’t feel like I had done much. So I know that feeling too.

      Your kindness and encouragement actually really means a lot to me, so thank you. I know I didn’t do the first 250 this week, so I’m sorry for that. I just want to thank you for your patience and for being so amazing in being here to support me. Oh and for saying you’d like to read my book, that also made me smile like massively, so thanks for that too! ^.^

  8. I soooo understand how you feel. *pats shoulder* I used to finish drafts and get maybe…30 minutes of euphoria and elation? And then I’d just start being MISERABLE about how bad the book was, how much work it needed, how I was never going to get it write…etc etc… *howls* SO. I get this feeling absolutely. I don’t know if maybe it changes with time? But I don’t get it so much anymore. 😛 Like I still know my first drafts are crappy…but I also know that I’m not going to touch them for at least two months, if not more (sometimes a year, haha) and giving myself the space REALLY helps for some reason!
    But omg 14 drafts?! You need to tell your inner editor to SHUSH. BECAUSE THAT IS AMAZING NICOLETTE. *sprinkles celebratory cake in your hair*

    1. Thanks Cait!! I know 14 drafts is crazy. I also know that it’s also crazy that the first 13 I trashed and the 14th was a full re-write from scratch. I’m also a bit crazy so I don’t think I’m surprised, lol >.<. It's been a few weeks and I've given it space and a read through and more space and I agree with you that space and time does help. *accepts the cake becuase CAKE!!!* Thanks for your support, it means so much!

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