Today is a “I’ve got some exciting news” and “I’m gonna bare my heart out to you in a sec so bear with me” kind of day.
First, the good news! Last Wednesday I finished the 14th draft of Dreamweaver, the Young Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy that I started writing almost a year ago.
Bring on the dancing lobsters right!?!
And you know, at first I WAS super excited. Excited to the level of I’m going to leap off a cliff and dive into a chocolate marshmallow pillow (they make those right?) and then fall into a state of constant euphoria and celebrate this STEP in the writing process the way I’m supposed to. Like, LOGICALLY, I knew that was the rational thing to do (okay, minus the constant state of euphoria, but I could still have that chocolate marshmallow).
The point is that while I KNEW that I was supposed to be excited and all kinds of bubbly inside, and don’t get me wrong a part of me was, the problem was that an even bigger and scarier part of me was whispering inside of my ear saying really unhelpful and destructive things like “Yeah, but um…news flash, genius, you’re not really done yet. You’ve got WAY WAY more work to do so you can stop celebrating because there’s nothing to celebrate.”
By the way, that’s my inner consciousness speaking, in case you haven’t noticed my own inner voice is a douche and a total jerk like 80% to 90% of the time. What’s nice is that my inner voice doesn’t rear it’s head to other people and say awful irreparable things to them. Which, I’m thankful for. My inner voice happens to think rather highly of everyone around me. What’s not so nice is that my inner voice reserves all of it’s assholery for me. Oh, how sweet, that must mean it really likes me. *Cues barfing*
Anyway, I’ve digressed from my main point so now I’m getting to the “bare my heart out” part of this post. If you’d like to back away now slowly, that’s fine. I actually completely understand. Things are about to get pretty real here and I don’t mind if you want to step away.
Okay. So here it is. After achieving this big milestone, becuase it’s been almost a year since I started and finished the first draft of Dreamweaver (I wrote the 1st draft in a month). I have since edited the hell out of it FOURTEEN TIMES. That means a lot of growth for the characters, the plot line and just a lot of amazing stuff has happened to make this book better in general. So I’m sure a very rational person would be ecstatic right now. And I was, until the high wore off, which lasted for all of five seconds, because I got really down guys. Like REALLY REALLY down.
It’s been a little over a week now and I’m not going to sugar coat anything, I’m still really bummed out. I’m not nearly as sad and discouraged as I was a week ago, but the feels still hit me at random and bouts of crying ensue and I become a useless sobbing wreck for about an hour before I can mop myself back up and go back to adulting the way I’m supposed to.
You know, no one told me that writing was THIS hard. That it would be this emotionally draining and that there would be times where I’d question everything, every word I’ve ever written, my whole purpose in life, my very reason for even waking up in the morning, all because I felt that I had missed some phantom goal, all because I felt that I wasn’t good enough, all because I felt that I’d never make it, that I was chasing some pipe dream because everything I create is crap.
And while I can logically tell myself that all of that is a load of penguin dookie, that doesn’t mean those terrible things aren’t cycling in the back of my head. When I wrote about limiting beliefs last week, I didn’t realize that I was going to need my own advice so soon. At the time I wrote that post, I was riding a creative high and somehow I’ve hit a low. And it hurts guys. It really does.
And I know writing is a journey that’s full of highs and lows. So, I know that this feeling of overwhelming failure is not real, because I haven’t failed at anything yet. Not really. So it’s just a phase. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I’m not saying I’m going on a break or a hiatus or anything. I’m just coming out and laying out what my life has been like for the past week in the hopes that opening up will help me over this block and allow me some inner peace so that I can get back on track.
Because I don’t want to feel sad anymore. One week of this feeling is too much to bear. It’s overwhelming, it’s suffocating and after years of battling with depression and overcoming it, I know that I don’t ever want to walk down that road again if I can help it. I think that just being able to talk about what I’m feeling and be open about this roadblock will be one of those things I can look back on and just remember that this was one step in the journey of my life and there were people there to help me through it.
So that’s where I’m at right now. I don’t expect to be in this place for long and even if I am, I know there are people who care about me to help me through this rough patch. I know that rationally, doubting myself is normal and I just have to push through it. So that’s what I’m going to try to do.
Thanks for sticking with me.